Tired.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that I look like I have it all together- lots of family time, successful career, blogging, etc…

They couldn't have been further from the truth.  I had a breakdown Sunday night.  A major meltdown.  Wes found me in the bathroom crying my eyes out.  Normally, I would just pull myself together and tell him I am ok when he asks me what is wrong.  But I wasn't ok.  Everly was asleep on me downstairs while Wes and I watched the Survivor finale.  Shortly after 9, I decided to take her upstairs to sleep.  The instant that I put her in the pack ‘n play, she woke up.  I nursed her, she fell back asleep, I put her back in the pack ‘n play, instantly woke up.  I burped her, she fell back asleep; this time, I tried putting her down in the swing.  Queue the screaming which inevitably woke Emma up.  Wes came up to put Emma back to sleep (which thankfully was not hard), then he came to bed where he found Everly laying there while I was sobbing in the bathroom. 

This has been a slow build up of emotions.  Ever since we came back from Port Aransas, Everly has slept like crap (this has also coincided with the 4 month sleep regression that so many parents talk about).  She has basically slept on top of me every single night since.  I wake up with spit up all over my shirt and sometimes she has even leaked out of her diaper onto me (gross!).  The night before this happened, I was so mad at her for not sleeping on her own; but when Wes asked me if he could take her, I just mumbled no, I am ok and she slept on top of me again. 

I am tired. So so tired.  I am not even sure that I can convey to you how tired I am (of course, unless you are reading this and you have two babies of your own).  I feel like I am failing in every area of my life.  Lately, I feel like I am not a good enough mom, not a good enough wife, not a good enough employee, not a good enough daughter, not a good enough sister, friend, blogger- the list just goes on and on.  I put so much pressure on myself.  I want to be the best mom to Emma and Everly.  I don’t want to lose my patience when I have heard “no, no, no” 623 times and it is not even 7am.  I want to snuggle my girls every chance I get.  I want to always be available to kiss their “boo boo’s”.  I want to sing itsy bitsy spider with Emma 90 times a day.  I want to be the best wife to Wes.  I want to have engaging discussions when I am home that do not revolve around how tired I am.  I want to go on dates with him.  I want to have enough energy to stay up and watch a movie with him after the girls go to bed.  I want to be the best daughter, daughter-in-law and granddaughter who has time to take the grandbabies over for spontaneous visits, write thank you notes, make creative, homemade gifts for Christmas, etc.  I want to be the best employee who gets everything done on time.  I spend so much time at work pumping that I feel like I am always behind and can’t get ahead (which goes hand in hand with being the best mom to Everly).  The list goes on and on of everything I want to be and want to accomplish. 

Wes took Everly downstairs so I could sleep on Sunday night and it was the best gift that he could have given me.  Sleep puts everything in perspective.  I have realized that I can’t do all of the things that I want to do every single day.  I will not be the best employee, wife, mom, daughter, blogger, sister, friend  every single day.  But, eventually I know I will feel balanced again (realizing that balance looks different for everyone).  Eventually Everly will sleep in her own crib, all through the night.  Eventually my girls won’t need every ounce of my attention after I get home from work.  Eventually Emma won’t say “no, no no” all day long.  Eventually, I won’t be pumping any longer (queue the tears).  Eventually I will have energy to stay up and watch a movie with Wes. 

Whenever I think I am in over my head (which has been a lot lately), I want to remember those small things that bring me so much joy.  I want to remember how Emma and I played hide and go seek for 30 minutes on Friday night and how she screeched with delight whenever I would pop out of my hiding place.  I want to remember nursing Everly at 2am and how lucky I am that I get to continue on this breastfeeding journey.  I want to remember how Wes and I share that special smile when we see Emma accomplish something for the very first time.  I want to remember all of the sweet times that Emma and Everly get to see their grandparents.  I want to remember that just when I was crying in my car (because I took the HOV lane when I wasn’t supposed too and then subsequently missed my exit), my sister Adrienne called me and then Ally called me just to chat (not even knowing I was having a rough time). 

I am so thankful for this life of mine even when I am so so tired and feeling unbalanced.  And less you ever think I have it all figured out or have it all together, let me assure you- I do not.